Post title from “Brain Damage” by Joywave
Late Friday afternoon, I received my written offer for my new job and my start date: June 3. It’s not June 17 like I was hoping, so I’ll only be walking with 25% of my retirement match instead of 50%. My mom asked me if I tried to haggle and get a later start date, but I honestly don’t feel like waiting anymore. I got my initial verbal offer on April 29; I’m ready to go! Plus in the scheme of things, it’s only around $2500 I will be losing from my retirement which I don’t consider a big deal. I have my own retirement accounts that are separate from work so I’m not worried about the loss.
I was a bit shocked that they went with the earlier start date. In my mind, I was sure my start date was going to be June 17, so now I don’t feel mentally prepared. June 3 is so close and now I feel so not ready. I keep oscillating between feelings of excitement and anxiety and sadness.
I just got back on days at my current job, which while they’re extremely boring and the shifts go by so slowly compared to night shift, has improved my mood and helped me remember why I loved this job so much when I first started. I just got back on days and don’t have any time to enjoy it because I’m leaving. I feel like now I don’t have enough time to adequately say goodbye.
It’s very bittersweet, which is why I’ve been struggling a lot with feelings of sadness. I know I hated and hate many aspects of this job, things which have ultimately become dealbreakers that are causing me to leave, but I still did genuinely enjoy the job. I’ve struggled so much to find a job I love since I graduated from college with a degree I regretted, and I thought I’d finally found the place I would retire from. This is my first time ever leaving a job I liked. Every job I’ve left in the past, I’ve left because I either hated it or was moving (which was usually out of my control). But I do like this job, when I can work days, and it’s hard to admit that while also acknowledging that it’s not working for me or my family anymore. I have to do what is right for my family.
I am a little disappointed because I found out the hours for the new job are 8:30 am-5 pm, not 9-5 like I thought they were. It’s not a deal breaker but it complicates things just a little as far as doing drop offs with our child and getting childcare. It looks like at least twice a week my mom will need to watch our son for an hour or two in the morning so I can leave for work before my husband gets home (since he works 24 hour shifts). This is something she already does but she’ll have to do it more frequently. I also think they’ll actually be watching our son more frequently than they do right now, the different is they won’t have to watch him overnight. I also had thought I would take over dropping our son off in the morning but it looks like that won’t be possible with my longer commute. It’s a 45 minute commute from my parents house to this job so I would have to get up around 5:15 am to be able to get ready and get our son over there and leave with enough time to be at work by 8:30. Whereas my husband can wake up at 5:30 am and drop our son off and be at work by 7 am. But I hate it for my son because on those days we have to wake him up at like 5:45 in the morning instead of letting him sleep until his normal wake up time of 7 am.
These are all inconveniences, not deal breakers, and no one in their right mind has ever thought having a kid was convenient. But it’s still different than I imagined and that makes me anxious. I’m also realizing just how hard it’s going to be to work and have time to cook dinner and exercise regularly. I already knew it was going to be hard going into this, but actually trying to map out an hour-by-hour schedule has made me realize how hard it’s really going to be. I’ll be home by 6 pm and our kid goes to bed at 8 pm so that leaves 2 hours to cook and eat dinner, and then take a bath and get ready for bed, and try to spend quality time with each other? It sounds almost impossible. And I really wanted to enroll our son in swim lessons and gymnastics. Before, with both me and my husband having crazy schedules there was just no way to make it work. But now I’ll have a regular schedule so we won’t have to worry about missing classes we already paid for. But if we sign him up for classes, they’re only 30 minutes long, but between the commuting time and class time, that leaves no time for dinner period!
How do people do this??
And I’m supposed to also find time to exercise? I had planned to wake up early and exercise before our son is awake, but to do that and get enough sleep, I’d have to go to bed at like 9 pm, which then leaves no time to clean the house up or the kitchen after making dinner! Forget about having time free time for my other hobbies.
I knew all this going in, but with a start date now, the reality is setting in. I’ll be getting what I really want, which is to be home every night to put my son to bed and a predictable schedule and never having to work nights or holidays or weekends again. But I’m giving up stuff too, namely free time for my hobbies. Like I said, it’s bittersweet.
I’m also feeling really anxious about certain aspects of the job, specifically using the bathroom and eating lunch. Once I’m trained and working by myself, it won’t be an issue, but until then I’ll be working out in the field with someone else. What if they don’t need to use the bathroom at the same time I do? What if I have to hold it because we’re not near a bathroom? What if I get dehydrated because I stop drinking water because I’m too anxious about needing to pee? I know these are dumb things to worry about and also things that normal people without chronic anxiety don’t even think about, but I have and have had anxiety around using the bathroom in public for a long time.
I’m also nervous because, being out in the field, I won’t have access to a microwave or fridge and I’ve never had to plan lunches that way. I’ve always been able to easily keep my food cold and heat my food up. What will I make for lunch and what sort of shelf stable foods can I make that are actually healthy? I don’t know; this is completely new territory for me. They admitted in my in person interview that eating lunch was one of the more complicated aspects of the job. I have a history of disordered eating and I get extreme food anxiety, so I’m nervous about this.
Of course, I say all this knowing once I get into the job and see how it works my anxiety will go way down. I felt the same way before I started my current job because I didn’t know what to expect. I do feel some measure of relief that I have the admin lady’s email and I can reach out to her about some of these questions, and maybe she can guide me on what to expect during my first week.
It’s just a lot of big changes and after waiting for so long, it feels like they’re happening so fast. There is a part of me that worries I’m making a mistake. What if I don’t like this new job? But then I ask myself if that was a case, would I still want to come back to my current job (because let’s be honest they’ll always have openings) and the answer is probably no. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with my current job where I’ve gotten used to it and can’t imagine anything better and can’t imagine what it’s like to be on the “outside”.
I Exist in the Between 